2amfix.net

I feel like a god damned broken record. I feel like shit everyday, without a doubt, all the time. And all I have as a response to all the concerned questions hurtling my way is ‘I miss him.’ Even though I saw him 5 minutes ago, 3 hours ago, yesterday, 1 week ago, 2 weeks ago, I miss him. Even though I can still see his retreating back, I miss him. Even when he’s sitting right next to me, I miss him. The moment he lets go of me, I miss him. The moment his screen name disappears from my buddy list, I miss him. My life has just become a whole lot of missing him.

Slightly sickening, right? Totally out of character, right? Completely whipped, right?

I agree, and plead guilty to all three accounts. But the thing is, I’ve realized that I’m whipped past the point of help. I literally sprinted past that line the moment he told me that I never had to be sorry for my actions because he wanted to be there and take care of me.

And although I know I should be flattered by such sweet words, the insecure section of me has come out to play. I realize that most of the insecurities curtailing my ability to express my feelings for him vocally and physically are very much self-imposed and therefore logically my problem — but for some reason, I keep waiting for that soothing hand to extend itself and calm all three waging wars — mind, body, and soul.

But then I also realize that after years of this charade, I’ve become so very precise in the art of pseudo confidence that short of my telling him, he’d never know. And being the person I am, I’d never admit it.

But then that’s the way we both work. Neither of us possess the ability to freely express our feelings for each other unless otherwise compelled to do so by outside encouragements otherwise known as liquid courage (Alfred, you great man). I know he cares. I know he cares a lot. But to what extent? Now that’s the real question. I’ve always been wholeheartedly against liking or loving someone more than they you — but here I am — willing and executing. May God have pity on me and my already deteriorating heart.