2amfix.net

So much has happened between my lovely birthday post and now …

So much that I don’t even know where to start …

And nor do I have the patience to figure it out.

All I know is that I fucked up badly, suffered a ridiculous amount of guilt, almost cried tears of relief after determining he wasn’t…

I know I said I was over this, but God help me, I’m not. I thought that intermediary period of insane reminiscent smiles and the pangs of incessant heartache would pass, but the stark realization of how very not over this I am was a serious kick to the ass. I thought I was progressing swimmingly…

There are so many thoughts, emotions, and feelings whirling through my mind that I don’t even know where to begin. All I know is that the only way to obtain even a semblance of emotional release is by organizing it all and physically removing them from my system. So, here we go.

Fact: I’m truly okay…

So I went to Six Flags Magic Mountain with David yesterday (and yes, it was fucking hot as shit –
I almost fucking melted out of my skin) and started to realize something really shocking.

He’s mine.

And although our conversations were awkwardly executed, it still made me happy. Watching him slowly become more comfortable and less censored…

Edit: Gahd, I feel like a fruit — but after revisiting old songs all night courtesy my current insomnia, I stumbled across these lyrics and thought … “… SRSLY … TT___TT!!! …”

“또 한번만 매일 ë°¤ ë³´ê³  싶다 말해줘
단 한번만
단 한번만 이렇게 안아줘
사랑해 말해줘 너 한번만 웃어줘
또 한번만 또 다시 날 보고싶다 말해줘
또 나를 ë³´ê³  웃어줘”
(D.Caprio…

After my mini road trip today, I realized that the 105 W has been forever ruined for me.

Why?

There exists a plaza overseeing the 105 W which reads “MEXICO PLAZA”

Some of you from LA might know what I’m talking about.

It’s about 3 miles from the 110 ramp.

Anyway,

I realized — after the 454161651 trips I’ve made on…

that this relationship is getting just plain unhealthy.

It’s 3 parts yearning, and 1 part happiness.

I need to extricate part of myself out of this whirlpool while figuring out a way to maintain and nourish this relationship.

Fuck you DS for making me wait for you all the time.

I feel like a god damned broken record. I feel like shit everyday, without a doubt, all the time. And all I have as a response to all the concerned questions hurtling my way is ‘I miss him.’ Even though I saw him 5 minutes ago, 3 hours ago, yesterday, 1 week ago, 2 weeks…

is it so difficult to figure out what the hell guys want.

You ask, they get weirded out.
You don’t ask, you’re left in the dark.

It’s a no win fucking situation.

FUCK.

I’ve never seen a species of human so averse to proclaiming their wants.

And then there’s the endless “I don’t know …” bullshit.

BULLSHIT.

If you don’t know, who the…

More than being hurt, I think I’m just retardedly insulted by how much I didn’t mean to him.

My love, innocence, dedication, respect — everything I had, I pretty much gave.

I even gave him the most important thing I had to give, and I still couldn’t match up to his friends.

So, yeah. I lied.

This whole thing…