So while I’m all caught up in dreams of life-after-things-work-out-between-us, I’m too preoccupied with fooling myself to realize that things will never work out because they were never that great to begin with.

And I’m a retard.

I wish things were as easy as they were back then. When we both just said “fuck everything and everyone else” and decided we were going to be together against all odds. And now that we’re no longer separated by entire seas, I somehow feel like we’ve never been farther apart. It seems like I’m fooling myself into believing that eventually we’ll have our time.

I wonder if you know what you’re doing to me.

There’s something about me that I think most people who know me are aware of. There’s little that I wouldn’t do for someone I care about – Even the most casual of friends. And I come to care for people very easily; even if I’ve only known them for as little as a month. And there are a lot of people who take advantage of that quality in me without even realizing they’ve done it. I tell myself that I can’t blame them; but in reality, I should.

Anyway, I’ve been with my company for over a year now. That just seems crazy to me – it’s the longest I’ve ever held a job. I know I complain a lot about the way things are run there but I love my company and the people I work with (Well, most of them anyway).

I think my time in Orange County is coming to an end. I’m planning to move to San Francisco this year or the next. My parents want to move to Texas, and my older sister might be settling down in San Francisco, so it’s time for me to relocate too. I don’t like the idea of being too far away from family, but I think my parents and I need some time apart. San Francisco seems like a good choice for me. There are some very good opportunities up there for someone with my skill-set. And I have some friends that are up there too. I’m really bad at making new friends, honestly. I’m the kind of person that you have to get to know in order to appreciate my sarcasm and attitude, I think. I’ve got to admit that I can be off-putting to the casual observer.

I got a new 17-inch Macbook Pro, courtesy of my sister and her fiance (mostly her fiance). I’m so grateful that I have people in my family that are always there for me. I’m paying them back overtime, but still, it was very generous of them to help me out. I’ll take pictures soon.

Well, that’s my update for now. Hopefully Anisha will blog sometime soon, but I doubt it =P.

Stop trying to have conversations with me. They never work. We don’t agree on anything. The things we do agree on are usually pretty awful in nature. There’s something wrong with the way we work. We’re not good for each other, but I’m addicted and I know you are too.

So you stay on your side of the line, and I’ll stay over here on mine. And if you decide that you wanna meet in the middle every so often, just let me know. I’ll assume you’re having a good day that day and hopefully you wont do everything in your power to make me feel small and worthless.

Your’s Truly,

Christine

I launched a site yesterday (woohoo!). And one of my legacy projects is finally going to be finished tomorrow. Hopefully I can keep the momentum up. We need to get rid of a few projects that have been going on for way too long. My newer projects seem to be going rather smoothly, so hopefully I can get those out fast too. Two of my newer clients are Johnny Was, a designer apparel company, and Star Trac, a huge fitness equiment manufacturer. Both companies are pretty huge, so it’s a little exciting to have my name on their sites.

My new year’s resolution this year is to be happy and not go on living life in self imposed misery. I feel like I spend too much time dwelling on the things that go wrong, when actually I have a lot going on for me lately. I need to just roll with the punches, honestly. My other resolution is to find someone who’s on equal ground with me and not live vicariously through them. I need to find someone that can take care of me but isn’t afraid to let me take care of them. Someone that I don’t have to support emotionally or even monetarily with nothing in return – and vise versa. I need to find someone to be with and still be able to stay true to myself. In my past relationships I’ve completely immersed myself in my partner’s life – I practically move in with them… their friends become my friends, as do their hobbies, and then by the end of it all, I have nothing for myself. So hopefully that changes this year.

And Urban Watch & Co, the project I’ve been most proud of has finally launched. There’s still a few problems I need to address on the site though, so for now we’ll call it a soft-launch. This site will be really nice if you are looking for a great Christmas gift for a loved one; it’s located at www.urbanwatchco.com. I really owe a lot to Stela for helping me launch this damned thing… we really work well as a team, I think. I did all the frontend development and graphics, and she did all the backend development. This is the site that I really unloaded my entire arsenal of skills on… I learned a lot of javascript, and I also learned a lot about aspdotnetstorefront and xml packages. This is the second site that I’ve done from start to finish with Golden State… sadly my first site is still waiting to launch. I did manage to launch another website, Kaikea Entertainment, a couple months ago – it was the last site that I started and the first that I launched. Hopefully I can get Cornzapoppin and StockNod out in the next two weeks, and then I can start from a flesh slate. I already have some great clients lined up for 2009, some of which are:

• Johnny Was, a really big fashion design brand.
• Blue Fang Games, a company that makes video games for PC.
• Jamie Fontz, an all-american model.

And now for some non-work related stuff:

I watched Twilight tonight… I’m curious to see if the books are any better, so I bought the first two volumes. Quite honestly, I didn’t really enjoy the movie that much although the story had lots of potential. The dialogue was almost unbearable to sit through… they completely overdid the awkwardness and stuttering between words, in my opinion. I understand that both the main characters are awkward, especially with each other, and that each conversation is supposed to be really intense, but I wish they could get through one sentence without sounding like they forgot that there’s an entire range of emotions that don’t include angst and discomfort. For heaven’s sake, they didn’t even sound as if they really liked each other. So I’m going to start reading the books and see If I like it any better than the movie.

Which brings me to my next topic… I’ve been trying to make more time for my own hobbies lately, especially after my recent break up with Rick. I’m in need of some serious “me” time; I mean, I haven’t been single in almost three years. This means more reading, more anime, and more designing at my own leisure. Let’s see how long this lasts.

In any case, I’m back on the horse now. I didn’t expect to be, but I hung out with a friend/ex-coworker of mine last night… we had some drinks and well, one thing led to another. We went to see Role Models, which is a really funny movie, and then to a bar. We wound up at a Courtyard Marriott around 2:30 AM, and then got breakfast at IHOP around 6:30 AM. I got home around 8:00 this morning. I don’t know where we go from here, but I’m going to see him again later today.

On the work front, I have been really busy lately. I’m always busy, but things are really starting to get down to the wire. Last Thursday I stayed at work until 11:30 because some lady came that night and wanted a bunch of work done by the next morning. It was freaking brutal. And all my other projects seem to be launching at the same time, so it’s a lot of work. I’m gonna be glad once I push those sites out though; then I can start from a clean slate. I’m starting to get into javascript these days. I always knew it, but I just never used it a lot because my focus was really just graphics and html/css. But lately, I’ve just been tired of waiting for the developers to do things for me when I can do it faster with javascript… or to be more accurate: jQuery.

Anyway, I need to get up and run some errands – one being that I have to go pick up my belongings from Rick’s place today. Fun. Then I think I’ll go get a manicure.

My boyfriend was kind of a dick all night too, he just doesn’t seem to take me seriously when I say I’m in pain or that I’m feeling like shit. You’d think being admitted to the ER would be a dead give away, but not to him. All he could say was how much he didn’t want to be there at 1:00 AM, and I feel like he was kind of taking it out on me.  But he has taken care of me all weekend, so I can’t complain – I just wish he would’ve antagonized me less while I was laying in the hospital. We got home around 5:30AM this morning and went to sleep until 2:00PM – after some rest, he was much sweeter to me.

Now I’m at home with my parents – my mom is pissed because I didn’t call her, but she knew better than to bitch at me since I’m feeling so sick. I’m in bed, and I just took a vicodin, so I’m falling asleep. Good night everyone!

But part of me is happy that things turned out this way, because now I know where we stand. I know what kind of relationship I’m in right now, and yknow what? It’s fine. It’s fine if we just eat, sleep, and fuck together. It’s fine if I just have to cut myself off emotionally from him. He, in his own words, “set the tone.” At least now I know, and we can just move on being the way we are. Or not. I’m not exactly sure at this point, but I guess I’m fine either way.

I’m not ugly, I’m intelligent, and I’m great in the sack. All this convinces me that in the end, I’ll be okay. I like this guy, I do. I really care about him, and when it’s good it’s really good. But I don’t know if I can be pulled through such emotional extremes anymore. Because when it’s bad, it’s really bad. I want to continue being with him, but if things end between us, it’ll be fine too. I guess I’ve just been put through a lot this year and now I’m just letting it all go. I’m just letting it all hit me at once, because my comeback will just be that much greater.

He does have a huge dick though.

Now, I work but it’s a regular 9-5 job, I get a steady paycheck, I’m happy with what I’m doing, I have a whole team to back me up, and I get to come home every day and shut my brain off. I found someone local that I care about, and don’t have to wait till 3:00 in the morning just to talk to him over skype. These days at 3:00 AM, I’m usually in bed with my lover, and I don’t need to keep my voice down for fear of waking my family. My very healthy sexual appetite can be sated without the use of batteries. My sorrows can be drowned in his shoulder, and not in the bottle of Patron stashed away under my bed.

I no longer feel like a burden to my parents – I pull my weight, and I handle my own affairs. I help my family out when I can, and I actually have real conversations with them because I’m not locked in my room all day with nothing to share because I’m not having any real experiences.

I’m not babysitting a bunch of socially retarded kids on the net, and I’m not wasting my time making myspace layouts for hordes of ungrateful brats. My work means something now, and my clients are filtered before they get to me. I don’t go through long periods of time wondering if I’ll become busy again, and therefore I don’t have to take the first client that comes through the pipe.

I guess what this post comes down to is… I’m happy. I’m fulfilled. Sure, there are days I want to rip my own trachea out because my clients drive me nuts, and my boyfriend can seriously act like the biggest dickhead in Orange County, but if I had to choose between this life and the life I was leading four months ago… the decision would be so easy.

My life right now rules.