2amfix.net

I know I said I was over this, but God help me, I’m not. I thought that intermediary period of insane reminiscent smiles and the pangs of incessant heartache would pass, but the stark realization of how very not over this I am was a serious kick to the ass. I thought I was progressing swimmingly in wrapping this whole catastrophic whirlpool of emotions up, but I’m no closer to being emotionally sound now than I was when he stomped on my heart a month ago.

Maybe seeing him again was just a temporary shock of whose after effects I’m still reeling from … but seeing him again, seeing him smile at me again, being close to him again, touching him again … it’s all too much for my heart to handle all at once.

And regardless of the dozens of truly “genuine” proclamations I’ve received from multiple people of my complete and utter superiority in every respect in comparison to him … it doesn’t seem matter. Because the truth of the matter is, I’m still pining and hurting over him regardless of whether he does or doesn’t deserve or appreciate me or my sentiments.

It doesn’t even matter if he’s not worthy enough to lick the bottom of my shoe — I’m still the one being constantly reminded of our times together, I’m still the one feeling crummy at 12AM while waiting for my birthday text, I’m still the one that lights on fire when he touches me, I’m still the one suffering.

*sigh*

The consequences of love have finally caught up to me, and all I can say is karma’s a bitch. At least now I know that I have to capacity to genuinely like. Although at this point, I’d have been contented to skip the confirmation entirely.

But deep inside, I wouldn’t mind all the pain, longing, and hurt as long as I knew that he too was roasting in hell after seeing me on Friday.

*** And as a sidenote, thanks Christine for the birthday wishes!