In any case, I’m back on the horse now. I didn’t expect to be, but I hung out with a friend/ex-coworker of mine last night… we had some drinks and well, one thing led to another. We went to see Role Models, which is a really funny movie, and then to a bar. We wound up at a Courtyard Marriott around 2:30 AM, and then got breakfast at IHOP around 6:30 AM. I got home around 8:00 this morning. I don’t know where we go from here, but I’m going to see him again later today.

On the work front, I have been really busy lately. I’m always busy, but things are really starting to get down to the wire. Last Thursday I stayed at work until 11:30 because some lady came that night and wanted a bunch of work done by the next morning. It was freaking brutal. And all my other projects seem to be launching at the same time, so it’s a lot of work. I’m gonna be glad once I push those sites out though; then I can start from a clean slate. I’m starting to get into javascript these days. I always knew it, but I just never used it a lot because my focus was really just graphics and html/css. But lately, I’ve just been tired of waiting for the developers to do things for me when I can do it faster with javascript… or to be more accurate: jQuery.

Anyway, I need to get up and run some errands – one being that I have to go pick up my belongings from Rick’s place today. Fun. Then I think I’ll go get a manicure.

But part of me is happy that things turned out this way, because now I know where we stand. I know what kind of relationship I’m in right now, and yknow what? It’s fine. It’s fine if we just eat, sleep, and fuck together. It’s fine if I just have to cut myself off emotionally from him. He, in his own words, “set the tone.” At least now I know, and we can just move on being the way we are. Or not. I’m not exactly sure at this point, but I guess I’m fine either way.

I’m not ugly, I’m intelligent, and I’m great in the sack. All this convinces me that in the end, I’ll be okay. I like this guy, I do. I really care about him, and when it’s good it’s really good. But I don’t know if I can be pulled through such emotional extremes anymore. Because when it’s bad, it’s really bad. I want to continue being with him, but if things end between us, it’ll be fine too. I guess I’ve just been put through a lot this year and now I’m just letting it all go. I’m just letting it all hit me at once, because my comeback will just be that much greater.

He does have a huge dick though.

Now, I work but it’s a regular 9-5 job, I get a steady paycheck, I’m happy with what I’m doing, I have a whole team to back me up, and I get to come home every day and shut my brain off. I found someone local that I care about, and don’t have to wait till 3:00 in the morning just to talk to him over skype. These days at 3:00 AM, I’m usually in bed with my lover, and I don’t need to keep my voice down for fear of waking my family. My very healthy sexual appetite can be sated without the use of batteries. My sorrows can be drowned in his shoulder, and not in the bottle of Patron stashed away under my bed.

I no longer feel like a burden to my parents – I pull my weight, and I handle my own affairs. I help my family out when I can, and I actually have real conversations with them because I’m not locked in my room all day with nothing to share because I’m not having any real experiences.

I’m not babysitting a bunch of socially retarded kids on the net, and I’m not wasting my time making myspace layouts for hordes of ungrateful brats. My work means something now, and my clients are filtered before they get to me. I don’t go through long periods of time wondering if I’ll become busy again, and therefore I don’t have to take the first client that comes through the pipe.

I guess what this post comes down to is… I’m happy. I’m fulfilled. Sure, there are days I want to rip my own trachea out because my clients drive me nuts, and my boyfriend can seriously act like the biggest dickhead in Orange County, but if I had to choose between this life and the life I was leading four months ago… the decision would be so easy.

My life right now rules.

I had a real shitty day. My preliminary three month probation is over at my job, meaning I had my evaluation today. I was supposed to get a raise. I deserve a raise. I need a raise. Why didn’t get it, again? Because other people can’t do their jobs fast enough and my projects are taking too long to launch. Whether it’s stuck in development, data import, or if it’s just been managed poorly by the higher-ups, 90% of my projects are stalling. Meaning I haven’t earned my boss much profit because he hasn’t been able to bill anyone yet. Meaning I haven’t “earned” my raise – monetarily, that is. In terms of hard work, dedication to the job, and overall competence… I really think – no, I know I’ve exceeded everyones expectations.

Sigh. Bright side? I’ve been hired permanently and I get health insurance, finally. I also get put on salary and there are some other cool benefits too. I guess after getting such good feedback from my manager and peers, I started to just assume I would get that raise. When I didn’t get it, it was just a huge shock and disappointment to me.

In other news, Rick and I have been doing better the past two weeks. We had some rough patches the week before I went to Houston and the week after, but things are starting to mellow out and we’ve been spending a lot more time together.

I’ve been seeing someone new. I used to work with him at my first firm and he quit the week after I got there, but we’ve kept in touch. He’s an awesome designer, so I’ve learned a lot from him. We’re just having fun right now; I wouldn’t exactly call him my boyfriend just yet. He currently lives in Chino Hills, which is about an 45 minutes away from me but he’s going to be moving to Newport Beach next week so he’ll be closer. The drive to Chino Hills isn’t that bad though – it’s much easier than my drive to and from San Diego when I was with Joe, and a hell of a lot closer than Okinawa. Newport Beach is around the corner from me.

Anyway, I got a haircut and I also went red again. I sort of wish it was redder, but my stylist said I should go a little more conservative since I have to be a professional and the cut is already sort of dramatic. Conveniently, the salon is located next door to us in the same little plaza that my work is in. I also got some clip-in extensions in case I ever go anywhere nice and want to have long hair. Here are some pics:

view more photos of my hair in my album!

I look so different with long hair. I mean, my hair was long before, but I got 22″ extensions and they’re like movie-star perfect. I like my hair short though, its so much easier to maintain. Most days I can just wake up, scrunch, and go.

Work has been great; I’m building out the Cornzapoppin site, and it’s looking good so far. I’m excited to be wrapping that project up finally.

I’ll be hanging out with Agiri and Toya today, so hopefully Agiri or I will have some pictures to share later.

So first things first –present, alive, and well.

Well … as well as one can be at 1:34 AM — burning eyes, heavy heart, slightly shot brain and all. The last of which quite perfectly accounts for my current lack of literary finesse. However, at this point, I’m beginning to think my literary eloquence (or lack thereof) is somewhat irrelevant in light of my cesspool of thoroughly more cumbersome issues.

Analyzing my past relationships, flings, “friendships” — whatever you’d like to call them — I’ve come to the conclusion that I’ve been consistent in two things, and two things alone: my to inability to ever truly commit and the need of constant reassurance via an escape button. Slightly messed up, I agree, yet true.

In light of my childhood memories, and observations of my parents progressively disasterous marital relationship, I’d come to the conclusion that I would always maintain my escape route and never give more, or even as much as I got. Always just a little less so as to minimize the damage of a future case of serious ownage and ensure a tipped balance of pain. The least of which would be mine.

Yet here I am. Way in over my head, possibly fucked through every inch and pore of my body, and more than willing to commit to a relationship.

Not that that’s necessarily a bad thing — just slightly alarming due to my negative regard of the male species. Of course I’d never group him into the plethora of douchebags I’ve come to refer to as male scum, but who really does when they’re in love, whipped, and liking it? But once again, that turned out sounding wrong. I don’t even think he has the ability to truly transform into anything that shitacular as I truly do have faith in him as a person, and because I truly do believe that he would never intentionally fuck me over. But there’s always that big “What IF” and the huge unknown of whether the emotions invested balance out. More so the latter than anything else — he’s to good a guy to degrade with flippant What IF’s anyway.

But then that sort of thought process is what has me scared shitless to begin with. Quite honestly, I’ll but truthful and say that I’m as whipped for him as is humanly possible. Sure, he has his faults, but his positives far outweigh the negative, and even then, the negatives are barely apparent. And so, seeing as that I’m an inherently pessimistic and critical person, we’ve come to the source of my discomfort and hence the underlying issue: It’s become obvious that he’s got a great deal of me, and the fall (if experienced) would therefore be quite steep.

Edit: So pretty much, what I’ve concluded after re-reading this huge bitch of a post, is that I’m an insecure, retarded human whose seriously whipped. Kudos to myself. -_-!!!!

And as an afterthought, I hope he doesn’t decide to revisit this page till we’ve updated this into the archives as I’d rather not delete this update in light of all the effort exerted. Otherwise, I’m going to have a lot of explaining to do.