There’s something about me that I think most people who know me are aware of. There’s little that I wouldn’t do for someone I care about – Even the most casual of friends. And I come to care for people very easily; even if I’ve only known them for as little as a month. And there are a lot of people who take advantage of that quality in me without even realizing they’ve done it. I tell myself that I can’t blame them; but in reality, I should.

Anyway, I’ve been with my company for over a year now. That just seems crazy to me – it’s the longest I’ve ever held a job. I know I complain a lot about the way things are run there but I love my company and the people I work with (Well, most of them anyway).

I think my time in Orange County is coming to an end. I’m planning to move to San Francisco this year or the next. My parents want to move to Texas, and my older sister might be settling down in San Francisco, so it’s time for me to relocate too. I don’t like the idea of being too far away from family, but I think my parents and I need some time apart. San Francisco seems like a good choice for me. There are some very good opportunities up there for someone with my skill-set. And I have some friends that are up there too. I’m really bad at making new friends, honestly. I’m the kind of person that you have to get to know in order to appreciate my sarcasm and attitude, I think. I’ve got to admit that I can be off-putting to the casual observer.

I got a new 17-inch Macbook Pro, courtesy of my sister and her fiance (mostly her fiance). I’m so grateful that I have people in my family that are always there for me. I’m paying them back overtime, but still, it was very generous of them to help me out. I’ll take pictures soon.

Well, that’s my update for now. Hopefully Anisha will blog sometime soon, but I doubt it =P.

In any case, I’m back on the horse now. I didn’t expect to be, but I hung out with a friend/ex-coworker of mine last night… we had some drinks and well, one thing led to another. We went to see Role Models, which is a really funny movie, and then to a bar. We wound up at a Courtyard Marriott around 2:30 AM, and then got breakfast at IHOP around 6:30 AM. I got home around 8:00 this morning. I don’t know where we go from here, but I’m going to see him again later today.

On the work front, I have been really busy lately. I’m always busy, but things are really starting to get down to the wire. Last Thursday I stayed at work until 11:30 because some lady came that night and wanted a bunch of work done by the next morning. It was freaking brutal. And all my other projects seem to be launching at the same time, so it’s a lot of work. I’m gonna be glad once I push those sites out though; then I can start from a clean slate. I’m starting to get into javascript these days. I always knew it, but I just never used it a lot because my focus was really just graphics and html/css. But lately, I’ve just been tired of waiting for the developers to do things for me when I can do it faster with javascript… or to be more accurate: jQuery.

Anyway, I need to get up and run some errands – one being that I have to go pick up my belongings from Rick’s place today. Fun. Then I think I’ll go get a manicure.

Fact: I’m truly okay with not being with David anymore.

Sure, I’ll have those nostalgic moments where I smile to myself like some psychotic woman off her meds while reminiscing, but who doesn’t? However shitty our relationship was at times, it was still the sweetest, most genuinely innocent courtship I’ve had the privilege to experience — from holding hands on the beach to being damned indecent on the dance floor — he did it all. And even though I spend countless hours mentally cursing him to the depths hell for taking advantage of my “genuine” desire to be his, I thank him for everything. I thank him for genuinely liking me. I thank him for genuinely thinking about my well-being. I thank him for all the memories he’s given me. I thank him for giving me the opportunity to experience all the romantic cliches girls long for. I thank him for all the genuine feelings he gave me. I thank him for respecting me. I thank him for doing what I didn’t have the balls to do. But most of all, I thank him for helping me realize that although he was a wonderful catch, he wasn’t what I wanted, needed, or genuinely liked. And finally, I thank him for putting in the effort to re-forge a platonic relationship with me.

After a year, I’m glad to have said that we tried, failed, and continue as friends. After a torturously slow, confusing, anxiety filled relationship filled with beautiful memories, I’m that much more of a person. After liking, hurting, getting angry, and finding peace, I’m that much wiser and glad for the experience.

D***d C****n S**g, you will definitely go down as my favorite bastard of all time.

Thank You.

Yet however fantastic I feel at the moment, I can’t help but fear for myself. I fear for the speed, grace, and nonchalance in which I arrived at these revelations. I fear that I actually have become as heartless as people think me to be. I fear that I’ve lost the ability to truly put my heart and soul into things. I fear that I’ve lost the genuine ability to like, love, and cherish with my heart, and not just my mind.

Especially in light of my last relationship; he was supposed to be different. My whole world shook when he looked at me. My mind went blank from pure joy when he hugged me. My brain ceased to function the moment he smiled at me. I could’ve lost everything I owned in a fire and still been insanely happy if he was the one comforting me. In short, my eyes were for him, and him alone. Yet here I am today, 4 days after we broke up, happy as ever and barely able to appreciate the pain in loss.

Truthfully, my heart and mind have never spent more than a week lingering on any broken relationship. I’ve never hurt or despaired over any relationship to the point where my heart hurt enough to cry. I mean, I’ve cried — God knows I’ve cried — but always in the name of hurt pride, the fear of loneliness, a lost relationship … never a broken heart. Hell, I’ve yet to experience a broken heart since I’ve never opened up my heart enough to truly love anyone. Sure, at the time I believed the feelings I had were nothing but the purest feelings of like and love, but when the time came to separate it barely mattered.

Hence, I’ve come to the conclusion that I’ve either subconsciously never truly given my heart to anyone, or truly lost the ability to give my heart to anyone. Either way, it scares me. I, like every other stupid woman in this world, long to experience that powerful, moving love in which time and distance only serve to strengthen and tears and pain deepen. Hence, as a leading pessimist of the world, I fear my chance will slip through my fingers because of my heart’s callous indifference to the men that work for my heart.

But part of me is happy that things turned out this way, because now I know where we stand. I know what kind of relationship I’m in right now, and yknow what? It’s fine. It’s fine if we just eat, sleep, and fuck together. It’s fine if I just have to cut myself off emotionally from him. He, in his own words, “set the tone.” At least now I know, and we can just move on being the way we are. Or not. I’m not exactly sure at this point, but I guess I’m fine either way.

I’m not ugly, I’m intelligent, and I’m great in the sack. All this convinces me that in the end, I’ll be okay. I like this guy, I do. I really care about him, and when it’s good it’s really good. But I don’t know if I can be pulled through such emotional extremes anymore. Because when it’s bad, it’s really bad. I want to continue being with him, but if things end between us, it’ll be fine too. I guess I’ve just been put through a lot this year and now I’m just letting it all go. I’m just letting it all hit me at once, because my comeback will just be that much greater.

He does have a huge dick though.

He’s mine.

And although our conversations were awkwardly executed, it still made me happy. Watching him slowly become more comfortable and less censored around me makes me happier than anything any other guy has ever done.

Why? Because it shows that he’s trying. He’s not just restricting himself to his comfort zone — he’s actually leaving those boundaries for the sake of furthering our relationship.

And although we look awkward as fuck — we work … in our own awkward way. From the tenseness brought about by close proximity to the bittersweet anticipation of being able to hug, kiss, and touch each other when saying goodbye.

What’s really disappointing me, is my inability to do the same.

I guess I just need more time to confirm that he’s not going to river dance all over my heart.

I had a real shitty day. My preliminary three month probation is over at my job, meaning I had my evaluation today. I was supposed to get a raise. I deserve a raise. I need a raise. Why didn’t get it, again? Because other people can’t do their jobs fast enough and my projects are taking too long to launch. Whether it’s stuck in development, data import, or if it’s just been managed poorly by the higher-ups, 90% of my projects are stalling. Meaning I haven’t earned my boss much profit because he hasn’t been able to bill anyone yet. Meaning I haven’t “earned” my raise – monetarily, that is. In terms of hard work, dedication to the job, and overall competence… I really think – no, I know I’ve exceeded everyones expectations.

Sigh. Bright side? I’ve been hired permanently and I get health insurance, finally. I also get put on salary and there are some other cool benefits too. I guess after getting such good feedback from my manager and peers, I started to just assume I would get that raise. When I didn’t get it, it was just a huge shock and disappointment to me.

In other news, Rick and I have been doing better the past two weeks. We had some rough patches the week before I went to Houston and the week after, but things are starting to mellow out and we’ve been spending a lot more time together.

So first things first –present, alive, and well.

Well … as well as one can be at 1:34 AM — burning eyes, heavy heart, slightly shot brain and all. The last of which quite perfectly accounts for my current lack of literary finesse. However, at this point, I’m beginning to think my literary eloquence (or lack thereof) is somewhat irrelevant in light of my cesspool of thoroughly more cumbersome issues.

Analyzing my past relationships, flings, “friendships” — whatever you’d like to call them — I’ve come to the conclusion that I’ve been consistent in two things, and two things alone: my to inability to ever truly commit and the need of constant reassurance via an escape button. Slightly messed up, I agree, yet true.

In light of my childhood memories, and observations of my parents progressively disasterous marital relationship, I’d come to the conclusion that I would always maintain my escape route and never give more, or even as much as I got. Always just a little less so as to minimize the damage of a future case of serious ownage and ensure a tipped balance of pain. The least of which would be mine.

Yet here I am. Way in over my head, possibly fucked through every inch and pore of my body, and more than willing to commit to a relationship.

Not that that’s necessarily a bad thing — just slightly alarming due to my negative regard of the male species. Of course I’d never group him into the plethora of douchebags I’ve come to refer to as male scum, but who really does when they’re in love, whipped, and liking it? But once again, that turned out sounding wrong. I don’t even think he has the ability to truly transform into anything that shitacular as I truly do have faith in him as a person, and because I truly do believe that he would never intentionally fuck me over. But there’s always that big “What IF” and the huge unknown of whether the emotions invested balance out. More so the latter than anything else — he’s to good a guy to degrade with flippant What IF’s anyway.

But then that sort of thought process is what has me scared shitless to begin with. Quite honestly, I’ll but truthful and say that I’m as whipped for him as is humanly possible. Sure, he has his faults, but his positives far outweigh the negative, and even then, the negatives are barely apparent. And so, seeing as that I’m an inherently pessimistic and critical person, we’ve come to the source of my discomfort and hence the underlying issue: It’s become obvious that he’s got a great deal of me, and the fall (if experienced) would therefore be quite steep.

Edit: So pretty much, what I’ve concluded after re-reading this huge bitch of a post, is that I’m an insecure, retarded human whose seriously whipped. Kudos to myself. -_-!!!!

And as an afterthought, I hope he doesn’t decide to revisit this page till we’ve updated this into the archives as I’d rather not delete this update in light of all the effort exerted. Otherwise, I’m going to have a lot of explaining to do.